Who does it benefit to maintain a mask?

Who does it benefit, and why do we do it anyway? By the term mask, I mean our public face, the face (or faces) that those around us, because we wish them to have a particular image of us. It could be the high-powered sales executive, it could be the full-time mother, it could be the "I'm-not-really-stressed- working-mother". Alternatively, it could be the face of Mummy that your child sees. Whatever the face that is perceived, to a certain extent, we all wear masks.

Why do we do this? I feel that part of the reason is that, in the hectic life that most of us live these days, we are trying to fulfil several roles. We want to be seen as doing a good job in those roles. We want be seen as competent, or even, outstanding, in those roles. If we are not seen as good, competent or outstanding, then we feel that we are failing at whatever that particular role entails.

So, to whom is the mask beneficial? Sometimes the mask is beneficial to us. In a situation when one is unsure, or perhaps when one is meeting a group of strangers, it is easier to let them see the mask, particularly when the mask conforms to an image that they may have. For example, a job interview: in order to present the image which we believe a potential employer seeks, we use a mask. We become the sort of person that they wish to fill their vacancy. So, in some ways, it is beneficial to oneself to maintain the mask. However, it is also worth bearing in mind that if you have to become someone that you are not in order to secure that job, is the job really worth it in the long run. Would you really be happy having to maintain that mask during 'work time', although it is equally true to say that it is possible to show the 'real you, once you feel comfortable in that new work environment. In such a situation, it would appear that the benefit is the proverbial 'double-edged sword'.

I believe that there are times when maintaining the mask can cause pain: not just pain to others, but pain to oneself. Maintaining the mask can be a facet of self-denial, as I have pointed out above. If you are so unsure of an individual that it is necessary to maintain a mask towards that individual, are you really doing yourself any favours?

As a teenager, I maintained the usual teenager's outward mask of indifference. Outwardly, I appeared not to respond to the actions of others. Part of this was, I believe, due to having been bullied in primary school. It became easier to pretend that I did not care, because in not caring, I could not be hurt by what happened around me. I did not suffer abuse as a teenager. I had then and have now the most wonderful mother and father that anyone could wish for, and at times, I made their lives a misery with that mask, because that mask, that wall of indifference became a wall in more ways than one. Certainly, a wall can keep pain out, but it can also prevent you from being the person you are, truly, within your heart. Sometimes feelings can hurt, but the converse of that is that feelings can bring great joy.

My marriage brought me incredible feelings of love, happiness and joy, but also worry. But in allowing myself to feel, to share the worries with my husband, our marriage has prospered. My grandparents were married for over 50 years, my own parents have been married for over 40 years. I have been with my husband for 19 years (at the time of writing!). With my husband, I have not felt the need to have a mask, and that is one of the reasons why we are still very much 'in lust' as well as 'in love'.

In my adult life, I have used a mask. I have used one in work, I have used one with people I called friends. Perhaps it is a hangover from the difficulties I had in forming friendships as a child and as a teenager. This realisation has been part of my self-development. Yes, there are still situations in which I will continue to use a mask. In life, there are still situations in which we have to conform to a stereotype. However, as part of my own self-development, I have realised that I can be the person that I am. I know that I have the capacity to care for other people, and the wish to help those whom I can help, or who want me to help. There are some people with whom I will not feel comfortable, and with them, I will continue to portray an image. But I know who the real 'me' is, and if there are others in this world who cannot cope with that, then let that be part of their own path of self-development.

I find myself in agreement with the ideas outlined in "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. We are conditioned to act in particular ways by society today, although those 'norms' have existed within 'civilised behaviour' throughout history. One of the most damaging words that we can use to ourselves is the word 'should'. "I should be a better ...." is something that we have all, at some time, said to ourselves. It is a word that tells us we are not conforming to those 'norms', and that for doing so, we have failed in some way.

Be true to yourself and learn to love the person that you are. It is your life to live. You have lessons to learn in this incarnation. Some of those lessons may well be hard, and some may well cause you grief and sorrow. Other lessons will be a source of great joy and happiness. I believe that allowing yourself to learn those lessons will lead to a life of greater fulfilment and enjoyment. After all, it is a long road (generally) to enlightenment. Why make it any longer than it needs to be?

© Cendriya 2004. All rights reserved.